Dealing with Divorced Parents
Issue #56
[Read Time < 6 minutes]
No one likes to hear the word “Divorce” more than wedding photographers.
I suppose in a sadistic way, it does mean more business, but I’m a purist when it comes to marriage, and I prefer to think of marriage as a forever thing.
That being said, I know it’s not, and sooner or later, you’re going to have a couple who has experienced this in their lives and will have to deal with it at their wedding.
You, the trusted wedding photographer, have an obligation to make this relationship issue as much of a NON-issue for your couple.
You might be asking, “Why is the photographer’s problem?” Fair question.
#1 It’s NOT a problem...it’s an issue. As an issue, it’s your responsibility to make sure it does not become a problem.
#2 You are the ring leader when it comes to gathering family members together - Not the planner, not the church lady, YOU.
There are many nuances to this, but I’ll lay out the main ones and let you use this knowledge to work through the more unique ones.
For starters, this should never affect the couple you choose to work with. The divorce didn’t involve them, and it should not play a part in their wedding.
There are some red flags that may affect your choice of clients, but a separated family is not even a yellow flag unless there’s real tension between the families, and you’ll never know that until it’s too late anyway.
Your main job during the wedding meeting, when this typically comes up, is to assure your bride that, no matter what the families’ dynamics are, this is not a problem and that you’ll work with her to ensure everyone is well cared for.
Book It First, Then Deal With It
So let’s say you met with your bride and groom, hit it off, booked the date, and now it’s time to handle the logistics for the families.
You have three scenarios here.
The first is that the divorced parents are both remarried. This is the ideal.
The other is that one is remarried and one is not.
The third is neither remarried.
In all three, respect is the key!
Play no favorites, make no assumptions, and you’ll be just fine.
Communicating with your bride before the wedding is not optional, it’s essential.
If you didn’t discover the separation/divorce in your initial meeting, you do need to know about it before the wedding.
In my Wedding Worksheet, I have a section that asks whether there are any family issues I should be aware of, such as recent deaths, challenging dynamics, separations or divorces.
Just asking a question like this in a matter-of-fact way shows you care... because you do.
If there’s nothing written down here, I will, of course, ask again when the bride and I chat the week of the wedding.
Please don’t overlook this conversation. Finding out that there are flustering family affairs AT the wedding will make it harder to navigate.
Let’s cover the three possible separated family scenarios and what you should do to make everyone happy, especially your bride and groom.
Both Remarried
If there is an ideal situation regarding a divorced couple at a wedding, this is it.
Unless there’s some real Taylor Swift-style bad blood brewing, both the mom and the dad are in a new and assumed happy relationship, and things should be pretty cool.
Of course, asking is always the best plan, but if all you know is that mom and dad have remarried, things should be fine.
At the wedding for the family photos, I would recommend getting two sets of family groups - one for mom and her new family and one for dad and his new family. There are always possibilities of stepbrothers or stepsisters, and this is easily fixed with a photo for each family.
Since this is one of the things you’d chat about with the bride, you may find that they don’t want separate family photos and just want everyone together - both mom and dad with their new husband and wife. Great!
If this is the case, I like to place mom and her husband next to the bride and the dad and his wife next to the groom.
Definitely get an individual shot of mom and dad with their daughter or son, but don’t try to recreate the original family photo unless it’s requested.
These relationships have evolved, so it’s just best to respect the way things are now.
Only One Remarried
This is the most challenging scenario and one that requires you to know as much as possible about the relationships.
You don’t have to go full psychiatrist on the bride, but politely asking, “How’s dad with this?” referring to his former wife now being remarried, isn’t out of line.
This scenario carries the greatest potential for conflict, so keeping some distance between the parties during the group photos is key to avoiding any discomfort.
I’m sentimental, so I do try to give a little extra love to whichever parent is unmarried. This is a tough day to be single, so some TCL is a nice touch.
For the group photos, I’ll defer to the bride and what she wants to do, but in my experience, the solo parent does NOT want to be in the same photo with his former spouse and their new spouse, so again, communicate thoroughly and tread lightly.
Regardless of what you do, getting a photo of the unmarried parent with the bride and groom is a must-have photo.
Neither Remarried
This is an interesting situation because both mom and dad have decided not to be together anymore, but there’s no “special someone” in the picture, making things awkward for either of them.
In this scenario, the parents are typically pretty cool about everything, and you can easily get a photo of mom and dad with their son or daughter, but just don’t put the parents together.
You don’t know what happened, but you do know how it ended, so don’t get any fancy-romancy ideas that you can bring them back together with a photo.
You’ll know soon enough how well they play together, and you can act accordingly.
Working the Reception
The hardest part of navigating the family dynamics of a wedding, especially in a situation of divorce, happens before the reception, so once you get to the dinner and dancing, things will flow a lot easier.
The biggest thing to focus on at the reception is the relationships between the parents and BOTH their spouse and their kids, aka the bride and groom.
If the parents are remarried, make sure to get some fun shots of them together. Same as you would with parents who didn’t divorce.
I will caution to be a bit cautious if a boyfriend or girlfriend is accompanying an unmarried parent.
You can, of course, get photos of them together, but you don’t know how this relationship might end up, so getting too many might make things awkward when designing the couple’s wedding album. Even though AI can do it quickly, removing people from photos is still uncomfortable and don’t forget that these photos don’t belong to you in the end.
This Day Is About a Union, Not a Separation
The important thing to remember is that this day is about the bride and groom.
Their parents are there to love and celebrate THEIR day, not to make it about them (hopefully). You’re get to play all sides of the relationships so it’s important to remember that is a joyful day about two people coming together.
No matter what the relationships are between the parents, everyone here to have fun and celebrate the bride and the groom.
You can never get enough photos of parents with their kids, no matter how old they get, so focus on them, their relationship, and you’ll make everyone happy.
“A parent’s love is whole no matter how many times divided.”
— Robert Braul
Dealing with divorced parents is just one of the little parts of the “inner game of wedding photography,”
THIS is what I write about each week in this newsletter.
If you’d like to be notified each Sunday morning when a new issue is released, click that beautiful blue subscribe button (and thank you in advance). I also share valuable tips and tales in Notes all week.
If you know someone who’d love this juicy insider information, click this equally beautiful and benevolent button here.
If you’re starting as a photographer and haven’t quite figured out how to handle the hundreds, or even thousands, of photos from an event, I’ve created something to help you.
It’s a guide to help you process your wedding in one week, and it’s a system I’ve used for over 25 years and still use today. Don’t spend weeks processing and miss out on The Glow. This system will help you get your photos to your client, make them happy and make you look like the professional you want to be.