Dealing with the MOB

Issue #66

[Read Time - 7 Minutes]

Business relationships are tricky enough without having to deal with personalities and temperaments.

Make a mindless misstep with the wrong personality, and you can sink a deal faster than you can say Drano.

But what happens on a wedding day when you come face to face for the first time with someone so powerful and so influential that your success or failure on that day hinges on how you tame this temperament?

How do you handle...the Mother of the Bride?

OK, this isn’t as “dun dun duuuuun” as it may sound, but how you deal with the Mother of the Bride or MOB, as it’s listed on every wedding planner or coordinator’s checklist, is pretty important – especially if Mom has any influence at all with her friends or relatives (and yes, I am talking about referrals.)

For now, let’s take our broad-stroked paintbrush and look at the three different types of moms you’ll be dealing with, what you might expect and how you can benefit from this insider information.

Important Disclaimer: Even though I’ve worked with hundreds of moms over 25 years, every mom is still unique.

Every mom is also extraordinarily special and deserves extraordinarily special attention on a wedding day.

This is an emotional day for any parent, but the bond between a mother and daughter should not be taken lightly.

Although I don’t have a gun to my head at the moment, I’m classifying these personas a bit like I am.

Call it a creative yet compressed categorization.

The Power Player

This mom is an important person...seriously, she holds office, runs an organization or is a significant personality in town. She’s well-connected and well-known, and on this day, the day of her daughter’s wedding, she’s as much in the spotlight as her daughter.

She might even have as many friends in attendance as the bride and groom combined.

This is a big day for her, so just knowing and respecting this will serve you very well.

This MOB won’t be too active in controlling things and people. The coordinator will do that, but you can play an important part by letting her know you’re here to care for her.

You can never have enough allies on an important day, and by playing an active role in taking care of any special requests BEFORE she asks for them will go a long way toward your success.

See who her close friends are and get photos of them. Watch for when she meets with her parents or relatives and get photos. And of course, any touching moments with the bride are a great opportunity for you to...did you already finish my sentence?

Of course, this is great advice for photographers for dealing with any mom, but for the Power Player, it’s even more important because she will share this day with her close friends and relatives. This is a day that belongs to her and her daughter.

She knows the success of this day is a reflection of her – her planning and choice of vendors and venues. I know it sounds superficial, but try not to think of it that way. Respect this high-profile mom’s situation, serve her with excellence, and you might find yourself on her personal list of preferred people.

Have you ever wondered how photographers get chosen to shoot those uber-exclusive charity events?

The Perfectionist

While some moms are perfectly fine hiring a plethora of professionals for their daughter’s party, The Perfectionist takes a decidedly more hands-ON role in the planning and production.

This isn’t necessarily a DIY situation (though it could be), but more of a mom wanting everything just right for her daughter’s big day...and making it so by doing it herself.

As you can imagine, this level of control might add additional stress or anxiety, which is where you come in.

A simple “Is there something I can help you with?” is a nice touch, but you know she won’t bite.

“The centerpieces are gorgeous!” is also a nice touch, and this is like music to her ears, however, don’t just say it. If you mean it, make it sound like it because she’s working extra hard to make everything perfect, and you know it’s probably not what she should be doing.

I’ve spent enough time around moms and brides to know that this day flies by. In the morning, all the primping and poking will be in the past, and you don’t want the mom’s memory of the wedding day to be about how hard she worked.

As a wedding professional, you can control things. Take this power and make sure you put Mom where she should be – with her daughter, even if it is only for a short time.

Get photos of them together, perhaps more than you normally would, so that when Mom relives this day through your photos, she remembers the time spent with her daughter rather than making sure the bows on the backs of the chairs are all tied perfectly.

But that does bring up a great point - DO NOT FORGET TO SHOOT THE DETAILS, especially if Mom had a hand or two in creating them.

Be a professional at your photography, but also be a professional at relationships – yours and theirs.

The Passenger

You won’t see this personality much unless you have a really dominant bride who is taking care of everything herself.

In this situation, Mom doesn’t really have much to do except sit back and enjoy the ride.

The extreme case is when Mom chooses NOT to be an integral part of the wedding planning and prep, and she’s comfortable going along for the ride instead.

You’ll see this even less, but you still need to take care of her, too.

For The Passenger, she knows her daughter is in charge and may not want to say or do anything to disrupt the flow of the day. Here’s another opportunity for you to exercise your power of empathy.

This may be the most important day the bride has ever created, but after the wedding... she’s back to being her mother’s daughter.

Mom may not be top of mind for the bride, but you don’t want her to look at her wedding photos and NOT see her mom. Control has a way of obscuring things like that.

She’s so focused on making this day perfect that she may overlook the people who brought her to it. It’s not terribly uncommon, but that’s where you can help.

Unless there’s genuine Taylor Swift-style bad blood between Mom and bride, find creative yet genuine ways to bring them together for photos.

When your bride goes back and relives her day through your photos, she’ll forget most of that anxiety she felt. Make sure there are plenty of photos so she can see how beautiful her mom looked that day and how deeply her mom loves her.

Those things show in your photos, I promise you!

Again, it really just comes down to you caring about everyone.

I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to treat every Mother of the Bride with extra special care.

For me, it’s simply about acknowledging the role every mom chooses to take and respecting that choice.

Successful wedding photographers move quickly throughout the day and navigate an impressive gauntlet of people, personalities and provocations. Dealing with all of them is an art form all by itself, and hopefully this short guide will help you be a bit more mindful of what others are experiencing.

Empathy is a tremendous asset as a wedding photographer, and it should be turned up to 11 on the big day (huge props to you if you get that reference)

Being a good person is also a powerful asset. You should never patronize any parent simply because you want to “get on their good side” (they’ll see through this very quickly, BTW.)

Of course, referrals are important, but being genuine in your care and consideration is waaaay MORE important and will take you much further than being inauthentic.

A daughter is God’s way of saying, ‘thought you could use a lifelong friend.’

Unknown

Dealing with the mother of the bride is one of the little parts of the “inner game of wedding photography.”

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